Roses are red
Violets are blue
Corinne offered Nick her platinum vagine
And he said, “No thank you.”
Let’s face it, in a Bachelor episode with a lot going on (three one-on-one dates, one group date, two women sent home prematurely) the key question for plenty of viewers was: Would Nick Viall have sex with Corinne Olympios?
After all, the moment in which Corinne set out to seduce Nick — declaring that her “vagine is platinum” — had been teased for weeks. I assumed the only reason she was still around this far into the season was so we could watch her hotel suite shenanigans.
I also assumed Nick would not do the deed with her, not after the uproar that greeted his sexcapade with Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe. Indeed, in sending Corinne back to her own bed, Nick said, “I don’t want to make the same mistake I have in the past with Kaitlyn.”
His dismissal left Corinne “spinning out of control,” in her words.
Even when the numbers seemed to be in her favour, with Nick sending both Danielle Maltby and Katrina home early, Corinne was “freaking out.” Consider that the Bachelor traditionally visits four hometowns and as of Monday night four women were left: Corinne, Vanessa, Rachel and Raven (already guaranteed a hometown visit after winning the group date rose).
Could Corinne become the rare contestant whose first one-on-one date is a hometown? Or does her fear that Nick will visit only three hometowns mean she’ll finally be reunited with her nanny Raquel?
We’ll find out next week. In the meantime, here’s what happened this week.
The man who cried wolf: We left off last week with Nick tearfully telling them he wasn’t sure he could carry on with his journey to find love. All that travelling to tropical islands and kissing multiple women and fondling their knees must really get a guy down.
As the bachelorettes fretted back at the hotel, Nick met with host Chris Harrison and told him, with a straight face, that a big part of him wanted to quit, supposedly because he was haunted by his past failures to find love on TV.
But Nick bucked up and told the six survivors he was going “all the way” to find love. And they were going to cancel the rose ceremony and leave Saint Thomas and head to Bimini in the Bahamas. And joy was restored to the land.
Date No. 1 with Vanessa: The Canadian became the first of the season to get a second one-on-one date, much to the annoyance of Corinne, who’s had nothing but group dates. “You lucky bitch,” she told Vanessa, emphasis on the “bitch.”
As Vanessa and Nick went boating and snorkeling (no barfing this time, thankfully) Corinne did a little trash talking back at the villa, telling Rachel, “I don’t see much depth from Vanessa.” This from a woman who seemingly measures her worth by her breasts and other body parts.
Things were going so great for Vanessa and Nick she decided to tell him at dinner she was falling in love with him. Nick beamed at her and gave her a passionate kiss and rested his forehead against hers and kissed her hand. If he’d left it at that, Vanessa would have gone away happy, secure in her assumption that Nick felt the same way.
Instead, Nick made a speech about how he wanted a greater love than he had found before on reality TV and if he did find it he was only going to say “I love you” to one person. Translation: There’s no chance in hell I’m telling you I’m falling for you too, but hey, “I really, really like you a lot.”
Date No. 2, with Corinne, Raven and Kristina: This was the only date on which a rose was given out and that rose guaranteed a hometown date, so the pressure was on, which for Corinne meant the clothes came off.
She was the first to strip down to her bikini on the yacht (“I look great on a yacht”), but Kristina and Raven quickly followed suit. And Kristina seemed to have the upper hand, literally, since Nick’s hands were all over her applying sunscreen to her body.
Then, when the four of them went swimming with sharks — or more accurately, above sharks — Nick followed Kristina back to the yacht when she got scared, leaving Corinne and Raven to twist in the wind, or bob in the surf as the case may be.
Later, when Nick got teary-eyed (again) talking about his fear (again) that things wouldn’t work out, he took comfort in kissing Kristina and resting his head against her chest. Yet it was Raven who got the date rose. Corinne was so unsettled she started talking about herself in the third person again.
“Corinne is gonna keep doing Corinne until I get engaged to him,” she said.
Date No. 3 with Danielle: As long as Nick and Danielle were bicycling or eating or drinking or playing basketball with little kids all was well. It fell apart when they tried to have a conversation and ended up staring at the ocean and breaking the awkward silence by commenting on how pretty the view was.
Still, Danielle ignored the clanging alarm bells when they went to dinner, telling Nick she cared about him a lot and was ready to take on anything with him. Nick did not greet this declaration with a kiss. He merely looked at Danielle and swallowed.
He wanted love with Danielle, he told her, “but I’m realizing that I don’t think my heart can get there. I’m sorry. You’re just so great,”
“Not great enough,” replied Danielle heartbreakingly, especially when you consider the last person she was in love with died of a drug overdose.
Danielle’s departure shocked the other women, especially Corinne, who decided she had to get aggressive if she was going to convince him to come to her hometown.
Corinne makes her move: Corinne put on some makeup and a black top cut nearly to her navel and headed to Nick’s hotel suite.
“I know how to make a man feel good and I do it way better than anyone else because my heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum,” she boasted.
I doubt even Nick believed Corinne’s pretence that she was just there to see if he was OK and offer moral support, particularly when she led him into the bedroom and closed the door.
We heard kissing sounds and some sighing, and Corinne telling Nick to “have two hands on at all times, never jiggle, lightly massage.”
And then, Nick: “Wait, wait, slow down. I don’t think this is a good idea.”
“Somebody does,” she replied.
“Very tempting, but I’ve learned that it’s always best to wait in these instances,” he said.
So much for the platinum vagine. Corrine declared her failed seduction a disaster.
Date No. 4 with Rachel: Nick and Rachel didn’t do much but drink beer at a beach bar frequented by locals and smooch and talk about a potential hometown date and whether Rachel’s family would be alarmed she was bringing a white guy home (definitely not, she said), but their chemistry was obvious and I’m about as confident as Rachel is that she’ll get a hometown rose.
Another elimination: With the rose ceremony bearing down, Nick met with Harrison again and told him he knew who he was sending home, but he wanted to do it in private.
Clearly we were meant to think Corinne’s time had come, especially since she could not stop yapping about how scared she was she was leaving. But it was Kristina that Nick pulled outside for a chat, telling her “I have such a love for you, but right now I don’t feel like there’s the ‘in love.’”
Kristina argued that Nick hadn’t given her a chance, but he told her he had stronger relationships with the other women and “you deserve someone who doesn’t sit in front of you and say there are stronger relationships. I can’t be that person.”
The episode ended with Corinne “freaking out” that there might be only three hometown dates. The promo for next week shows Nick being “confused” and doing something “unexpected,” and a brunette returning to confront Nick.
You can tune in Monday at 8 p.m. on OMNI to watch it unfold.
Please note I am on vacation next week and will not be recapping until the Feb. 27 episode.
You can email me at dyeo@thestar.ca , tweet me @realityeo or visit my Facebook page.
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