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I’m 19. Two years ago I had strong feelings for a guy who’s one year older than me. Nothing ever happened between us — to sum it up, we weren’t allowed to date. We had some conversations and sometimes I felt like he had feelings...

Don’t dwell on the fantasy of unrequited love: Ellie | Toronto Star

I’m 19. Two years ago I had strong feelings for a guy who’s one year older than me. Nothing ever happened between us — to sum it up, we weren’t allowed to date. We had some conversations and sometimes I felt like he had feelings...

Don’t dwell on the fantasy of unrequited love: Ellie | Toronto Star

I’m 19. Two years ago I had strong feelings for a guy who’s one year older than me.

Nothing ever happened between us — to sum it up, we weren’t allowed to date. We had some conversations and sometimes I felt like he had feelings for me.

I realize I may still have feelings for him now. They never went away, I just buried them.

We dated other people and I’ve never dated him, so I don’t really know his true self.

I normally move on really fast when it comes to guys. When we break up, I literally forget their existence.

When I experience infatuation, I have feelings for someone like obsessions and sexual wants, but these also go away after a short while.

Why do I still have feelings for this guy? I haven’t seen him in years.

If I had a chance to date him I’d take it real quick.

How do I get over him? What kind of “LOVE” do you think this is?

It’s been called “star-crossed” or “unrequited love” and has haunted would-be lovers throughout time.

Forbidden to date by other people’s dictates, you were left with thoughts of “what might’ve been.”

In opposition to those who had strong prejudices against your being with him, a fantasy flourished.

You imagine an ideal romance, since there was never a chance to see any flaws in him.

Your own feelings were never openly matched by him, which is why your feelings are also called one-sided.

Unless you’re prepared to do battle with those who banned your dating him, there’s little point in making contact. You’ll likely only frustrate yourself.

Think of him as a pleasant memory.

Your feelings aren’t real love . . . they are just the dream of it.

When I was in Grade 7, I went to a new elementary school. I met “J” who showed me around, introduced me to people, and helped me every way he could.

I really appreciated his kindness.

We went to separate high-schools for awhile, but he joined my high school for Grade 10.

I told him everything he needs to know, showed him around, and helped him every way I could.

However, he’s become dependent on me.

He follows me around, sits with me at lunch, always joins my friends and me.

He never lets me talk to them and always wants to talk to me.

My friends don’t like him much because he’s childish, immature. He doesn’t know what to say and what not to say.

Sometimes I feel they avoid me because he’ll be with me.

He doesn’t even want to make new friends.

I can’t be rude to him and tell him to go away, but I feel this is impacting my friendship with him, as well as with my other friends.

What should I do?

You’ve returned his kindness so far, which was the right thing to do. The same goes for not just turning him away.

Find out his interests and encourage him to pursue them — sports, school clubs, and activities — and to find like-minded friends.

Explain, gently, that you need some time alone with your closest pals, which is natural. He too, needs to hang out with other friends he makes, and build his own network.

Taking some time to help connect him to other students will reflect on your own good character, which your close friends should admire.

They may even help you encourage him.

Tip of the day

When even the possibility of dating someone is blocked, it’s the dream of love that hangs on in the imagination.

Still Yearning

Still Yearning

Needy Friend

Needy Friend

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday.

Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com.

Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com.

Follow @ellieadvice.

Follow @ellieadvice.

Our editors found this article on this site using Google and regenerated it for our readers.

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