There are things in life that can’t be explained.
This is probably not one of them. Probably. Here goes: a mysterious Twitter account has emerged that appears to have psychic powers. Don’t roll your eyes. Or at least, wait until you read what this alphanumerical oracle, @beyoncefan666, wrote on July 24, MORE THAN FIVE MONTHS AGO: “hello from the future just to let you know america is currently crashing and burning under trumps leadership.”
There’s more.
Did you hear Beyoncé is pregnant with twins? Of course you did. There are goat herders in the Nafusa Mountains who got the news. Queen Bey shared this motherhood bulletin via a record-smashing Instagram post — nearly 10 million “likes” by Friday morning — in which she’s kneeling inside what looks like a giant basket from FTD Flowers and cradling her belly like she just had bad sushi, while posing in mismatched lingerie and a gossamer veil the colour of a Lime Rickey.
This happened on Wednesday, Feb. 1. And this is what @beyoncefan666 wrote ON JULY 22: “Okay so Beyoncé is gonna announce a pregnancy in February (2017).”
Now, before you spin those retinas, let’s also review the first three tweets on this bizarre account, all from June 14, 2016:
No. 1. “Unfortunately Donald Trump will be elected president :(”
No. 2. “U.K. Voted to leave the Eu”
No. 3. “Lady Gaga will release an album in October 2016”
That’s three for three and, eight days later, @beyoncefan666 accurately predicted the Brexit margin with, “In the referendum 52% vote leave.” Then on Sept. 25, before it was publicly known, he or she correctly forecast the halftime show for the big game this weekend: “Not long until NFL announce that Lady Gaga will be performing at the Super Bowl.”
As I type this dispatch from under my bed, the identity of @beyoncefan666 remains unknown. His/her profile picture is a white egg in red lipstick, a tiny gold crown and sunglasses. Or what you might doodle at a party if someone handed you a pen and said, “Hey, what do you think Humpty Dumpty’s meth dealer would look like?”
Now that the account is under intense scrutiny — it seems many people need an escape from reality — explanations are ricocheting around the ether.
One popular theory is that @beyoncefan666 posted myriad prophesies last summer and then deleted everything that didn’t come true. That sounds plausible. Another theory is that @beyoncefan666 knows Beyoncé and went rogue with inside information. (This is based on a reference to being a “parkwood intern.” Parkwood Entertainment is the management company Beyoncé founded.)
Me, I’m not sure about anything except this: there has never been a better time to break into the psychic racket. Think about it. We are living in an age of fake news and alternative facts, the preferred currency of clairvoyants. If the truth doesn’t matter in government, why should it matter over a deck of tarot cards?
Trump is in the White House. The world order is in flux. You could make a fortune dreaming up events that once seemed patently absurd while sprinkling in upbeat prognostications for whoever is on the other side of that crystal ball.
“Hang on. I’m seeing something. Yes. In the future, America will invade Sweden! And you will get a promotion. After realizing the problem was automation and not NAFTA, Trump launches a war on robots! And you will fall in love with a Kardashian. I see millions of women marching in the streets after an executive order titled Garter Thursdays demands all females wear stockings and miniskirts to work. And you will be gifted a new Tesla from a secret admirer with a noticeable limp.”
If Kellyanne Conway can go on live television and scare-drop a reference to a “Bowling Green massacre” that never happened, nobody will demand a refund after you predict the demise of Apple or the rise of next pope Arnold Schwarzenegger or the terrifying moment when Vladimir Putin commandeers CBC airwaves to inform the citizenry he just won Canada in a poker game with Justin Trudeau:
“Now you get real electoral reform. And special nesting doll with microchip.”
This is a strange time because events that were once unimaginable are now within the realm of possibility. The past has ceased to be a reliable guide to the future. We are bombarded with bleak news that sounds too unbelievable even to be satire. This is causing a spike in global anxiety and insomnia, but holy Nostradamus, what a great time to be an aspiring soothsayer.
Unmask that egg face, @beyoncefan666. Teach us how to get cracking.
vmenon@thestar.ca
vmenon@thestar.ca
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