Marla Jo Fisher: 10 things my dog would say if he spoke English

Sometimes my daughter gets frustrated and yells instructions at Buddy the Wonder Dog, and I have to remind her: “He doesn’t speak English.”Buddy does know a few words that we have to spell out when he’s around, like “T-R-E-A-T”...

LIFE STYLE
07 February 2017 Tuesday 16:27

Marla Jo Fisher: 10 things my dog would say if he spoke English

Sometimes my daughter gets frustrated and yells instructions at Buddy the Wonder Dog, and I have to remind her: “He doesn’t speak English.”

Buddy does know a few words that we have to spell out when he’s around, like “T-R-E-A-T” and “W-A-L-K.” He hasn’t learned to spell yet, fortunately.

But he’s much more a mutt of action than words. When I put on my shoes and get my keys, he is beside himself and looks at me with imploring eyes. I know his eyes are saying, “C’mon, take me with you. I love riding in the car.”

When I get out out the chew toys, he knows, “Oh, goodie. Now it’s time to play fetch.”

Of course, his idea of fetch is “Grab the toy and run like hell,” but you get the idea.

Because I have a masochistic streak, we recently added a second dog to our household -- a fluffy white poodle-ish creature from the pound we named “Lil Wayne.”

He’s only 2 years old and very much still a puppy, while Buddy has now reached the senior age of 14.

Luckily, they get along, and Lil Wayne has forced Buddy to play with him, giving him more energy and interest in life.

If Lil Wayne could talk, I'm pretty sure he’d ask me, “I know you like being ironic and all that, but why did you name me after a notorious rapper?”

I don’t really have an answer for that, except that Curly Girl and I thought it was funny at the time, especially when older people think he’s named after Wayne Newton.

Meanwhile, I’m pretty sure I can put words into our dog’s mouths, and here are some of them:

1. Yes, I drink out of the toilet, then try to lick your face. What’s your point?

2. If you didn’t want me to eat the rotisserie chicken, why did you leave it on the counter and walk away?

3. I defend you from the evil mail carrier every day, and you never appreciate it.

4. Stop locking me in the bathroom when you’re bringing in the groceries. I won’t run away. Really. I won’t.

5. Why are all those delicious smells coming from the kitchen and none of them are for me?

6. I smell something on your legs. Sniff. Sniff. You were CHEATING ON ME.

7. Why do you keep feeding me dog food when you get steak?

8. I thought I was going to Disneyland, but you took me to the vet instead.

9. I think you should wear this stupid cone.

10. If you don’t want me to chew your socks, why do you leave them on the floor?

Now, I mentioned to fans on my Frumpy Middle-aged Mom Facebook page that I was going to write my dog sayings, and they chimed in with what their dogs would say to them if they could.

“Feed me” was a universal sentiment. Here are some of my other favorites:

No, YOU get off the bed! -- Marla Hansen

Hell, no, I won’t be taking a bath. -- Synthia Scofield

I really hate that fluffy white dog you brought into my house. -- Trina Utley Cox

I'm not sleepy anymore can I go outside to play? (Usually at 3 a.m.) -- Rosaura Cortez March

Will you please stop getting up and down? I'm trying to sleep here. -- Wayne Avery

Please don't open that laptop; keep petting me instead! -- Susan Chaney

You... Again. -- Joe Vahey

Better let me outside, right now ... or else ... -- Bret Colson

I like that robe, Mom, no matter what anybody else says. -- Diana Emerick Phillips

Stop kissing me! -- Chrystie Adams

More chicken, please. --- Nancy Slagle-Cessna