Dear Readers: A January 26 question from a man, separated a year, and considering moving across the country to be with “the love of (his) life,” prompted strong responses.
His move would mean leaving behind his own three young sons, to live with this woman and her triplet daughters.
Reader #1: “I’ve been in the exact same situation as that man, and moved far from my two-year-old daughter 16 years ago, for a “new” life.
“However, I cried EVERYDAY, my new life crumbled and I was back 89 days later. Thankfully, I had enough sense to get back home.
“I had immense personal growth and self-insight from the experience and am a better man for it today. But I lost the close bond with my daughter, and I’ve struggled to maintain what I got back.
“Love is not letting 5,000 kilometres hinder love from growing. And it’s the glue that makes life worth living. If it’s true love, a couple will make it work.
“But to leave your children, that love pales in comparison to the long-term devastation to the child's life. This man’s sons will have abandonment issues for the rest of their lives and will never forgive him. He won’t be able to forgive himself.
“To this day I weep for the loss I felt. I won’t ever forgive myself for that.
Nothing’s more important than being the best father he can be. That guy needs to wake up. Once he’s there, he’ll regret it for the rest of his life.
“Also, the amount of pressure on the new woman isn’t sustainable. The immense loss his kids will feel is crushing. As you recommended, he needs counselling to learn to cope with his current life.”
Reader #2: “He’s ‘separated,’ not divorced, and he's already considering a cross-country move for a woman he hasn't know for very long.
“He should be finalizing his divorce before he makes a major commitment to a woman and her three kids.
“Then, if he thinks he can be full-time father figure to children who aren't his, and part-time (at best) father to his own sons without causing a lot of resentment from them, he's being naïve.
“His children will see this as it really is: He's choosing another person’s children over his own flesh and blood. Children know when they’ve been put on the back burner and are no longer a priority to a parent.
“What will he regret more — losing a woman he doesn't really know well, or respect from his children?”
Reader #3: “This father will be abandoning his children. They will NOT accept his decision. He will RUIN their relationship, they will grow up without a father, and they will resent him.
“Furthermore, he’ll be leaving the everyday heavy-lifting to the mother, assuming that she’ll be able to handle everything, while he’s abdicating the responsibilities that he signed up for when he became a father.
“The burden of care will fall solely on her shoulders, and I can't think of a more selfish act.
“This DEVASTATING act of abandonment will have far-reaching consequences for those boys, who deserve their father. If he’s any kind of decent human being, he will stay near his children and be the father they deserve.
“At this point in their lives, THAT is what matters. Not his happiness. Their stability is the most important thing. Leaving would be the ultimate act of foolishness and selfishness.”
Tip of the day
Do NOT rush into a move that can ruin your relationship with your children. Think long and hard, get counselling, put the children first.
Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com.
Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com.
Follow @ellieadvice.
Follow @ellieadvice.
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